Post No. 3 [1/23/19] To Love the Questions Themselves


I hope this post finds you well. I've learned a few things since my post last week, so this one includes a redaction! I wrote that student suspension requires a unanimous vote by the school; I have since learned that it actually takes a ⅔ super majority vote. I've also learned that suspensions are not as rare as I'd imagined. In those cases, students are able to return when they present their plan for coming back. I believe they can be voted back in by the school meeting.

Anything that serves to further develop the community's collective and individual conflict skillsets is great in my book. I think it's good to offer each other a chance to return, fresh and hopefully more able to commit to belonging and working together. Community seems to be a fundamental praxis here - a steady ebb and flow of reflection, action, and learning how to articulate our expectations of each other. I'd like to hear more from students who have taken time away and returned. Theirs seems to be a learning process that's very valuable on its own.

So: reflection and action. I'm a quarter of the way through my time here and it is flying by. It's a good time to check in and do some course-correction, hence, redactions and assumptive adjustments.

As is my way (nerd), I’ve consolidated all of my questions into a long list… eighteen in total. Overkill? Possibly. But, consider this: this seems to be the way learning is done, both at Clearwater in students’ own ways and in my own. We self-assess. We check our comprehension. We ask for comments. We grow.

I'm continuously grateful for the feedback I receive from students and staff. I try to strike a balance between observation, sharing in conversation, playing music with students, and researching. Somewhere in there, I try to fit a little time each day to seek input and also reflect on what I'm learning. I find I can be more available, more present, and more able to contribute authentically to these relationships as I take time to reflect.  

My long list collapses down into three central themes.

  1. “Is it too good to be true? Does this school really work like they (students and staff) say it works?”

Do I believe that democratic freedom of all school meeting members is an aspirational value rather than a practiced fact of life here? Do I privately still look to staff as final authorities in school life? Do students?

  1. “Am I able and willing to fully trust students?”

I've found myself occasionally jumping in and offering unnecessary thoughts in student conversations. Whether I'm trying to help or teach seems to be beside the point if I ask myself this question of trust. If I trust that they are learning, why would my steering be necessary?

When I slip into adultist or authoritarian behaviors, am I not actually withholding their rightful autonomy as learners and individuals? Am I being passively disrespectful of youth when I look toward older students and staff for guidance?

  1. Am I going to be able to finish projects here?

It’s a combination of auditory overwhelm, competing projects, and competing interests. I’m torn in so many different directions: do I attend a club right now, or try to finish my education essay? Do I take something off a staff member’s to-do list or do I get to know a student better? Do I attend JC or do I spend some time in the play room?

I’m aware that I’m a ceilings-thinker when working in a given institution. I want to be able to see the bar, the community standard, and exceed it. The bar moves, naturally and often, and goals shift even as they’re made, but I still want the signposts. Part of me wants the administrative, top-down to-do list. Part of me likes being graded on what I've done.

Don't get me wrong, I'm doing a lot. Everyone here is doing a lot of things - projects, clubs, performances, skill sharing, playing. Perhaps a part of my learning curve while here is making cognitive adjustments to freedom. No grades, no gods, no masters: just learning how to get things done together and on my own as a part of this awesome, tiny community.

But the reason for all these questions - and for laying them all out here - is that growth takes conscious effort. It will take time, and many tiny mistakes, to grow into a greater trust of this larger learning project we are a part of here. I want to do right by the students and staff, to check my assumptions and untangle the sticky webs of 'common sense’ that keep us from fully appreciating the day-to-day work/play balance of growing in community across power differentials.

It would be easier to play chameleon and blend in without engaging critically with the concepts and practices that are put in place around me. But where's the fun in that? Comprehension checks are vital for making sure I actually get it, and if I don't, why not, and how can I get there? With 90-something people to learn from, I don't have to look far for someone to help me untangle the knots and teach me something new.

Man, I love it here. I love the curiosity and excitement this group of people bring out in me. And I love my list of eighteen questions. It's another little marker of the gift this internship is for me as a new student in alternative education.

Thank you for reading, and have a great weekend!



Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.
Rainer Maria Rilke

Post No 2. [1/16/19] Crime & Punishment: On Judiciary Committee and Conflict

Judicial Committee - Intern Blog

Conflict, generally speaking, is messy. Necessary, unpredictable, uncomfortable; often very lengthy. My game-plans and social worker scripts kick into high gear when conflicts present themselves; I’m aware of an insecurity in myself which seeks to de-escalate and ‘fix it,’ whether by coming to a shared understanding of values or explaining an institution’s rules. Behavior-based conflicts feel less fragile, less complex. I called you a name, you slapped my neck: not much room for interpretation.

Whether it's neck-slapping or something with a little more nuance, I admit to a wariness of how to navigate conflict here. What if my scripts are no good? What if I bark or command, where I might be better suited to question and include? I'm still in observation mode, and am finding my assumptions and fears routinely corrected by the alternative options being put to use around me. Especially where conflict is concerned.

One of the striking aspects of life at Clearwater is its Judiciary Committee. I’ve attended four sessions of JC thus far. The margins of my notebook are full of “wow” and exclamation marks. Here’s what surprises me:

1. The normalization of conflict

2. The shared responsibility of all attending JC

3. Consensus-building vs mob logic

4. Consequences and Compassion

JC cases proceed as follows: first, the write-up is read aloud in the presence of the students in conflict, any witnesses, and the JC chair (which includes students who are up for their service, much like jury duty). The students involved each get a turn to share the incident from their perspective. The assembled body asks clarifying questions, and then the findings are read and a sentence is created to suit the unique circumstances and needs of the student(s) involved. These sessions happen almost daily, with students across age groups and social circles regularly noting things that fall outside of acceptable behavior in this community. It seems that JC has the effect of normalizing conflict and closure, by virtue of its consistent routine and the regular rotation of students and staff who hear each case. The attitude around here appears to be that everyone gets written up, everyone has written someone up, and everyone has served in some capacity. The stakes are automatically lowered, but that doesn't mean all hearings are dull and procedural.

I thoroughly enjoyed watching a young boy parade in tight circles, hands in pockets, looking for all the world like a tiny Atticus Finch. His mumbled explanations for his behavior were well-received and patiently discussed by students his age and older, along with a staff member. Lots of clarifying questions were asked about his motivation for his behavior and his comprehension of school norms. Group consensus was reached on a fair and effective sentence, and the students signed their JC sheet and left.

I was and am impressed with the caliber of involvement that students play in the JC process, as well as the levels of compassion and directness that seem to be a fixture in these meetings.

||   * *  ||

A question lurking in my mind from the first JC session I sat in on was whether there were an appeals system, or a higher/more involved JC for serious cases. Luckily, or unluckily, one such conflict arose on my third day.

JC had already held a hearing for this student’s behavior, which had broken a number of school rules around physical safety and respect for other students. The JC had been unable to resolve the conflict and had lobbed it up to the judgement of the larger student body. An emergency school meeting was called, and roughly eighty students assembled in the Active Room along with staff.

The JC began its session, reading the write-up aloud. Unusually, the student who was written up was not in attendance; they instead chose to de-escalate in the house with a staff member. I half-expected this to become a character assassination session in their absence. The compassion with which students discussed the conflict was correction enough for my assumption.

When it came to the sentence, the students affected requested suspension; this requires a mandatory unanimous vote of the assembled body. Discussion was lengthy, offering a fuller picture of the student’s usual behavior in contrast to their recent problems. Suspension increasingly seemed like a disproportionate response to this; instead, the group came to a sentence which honored the affected students’ needs for space and set the student up for meaningful, supported learning and change.

||   * * ||

It’s hard not to romanticize what’s happening here at Clearwater. I’m sure that there is more to the picture than what I’m seeing, green as I am. Still, I’m struck by the usefulness of this approach to conflict: were this student simply given a talking-to by an administrator, or automatically suspended, so much opportunity for meaningful growth could be missed. It’s dismally easy to isolate and dismiss someone whose behavior borders on unsafe or problematic; finding options that actually serve all involved is a much harder process, and requires more of us as community members.

Even more, I got to interview that student about their perspective of JC early this week. Without hesitation, they phrased it as ‘the most important part of school’ and as a good way for students to receive support.

How cool is that?

Warm regards,


Emmett Bio

Hey y'all! Hope this note finds you well. I'm writing to introduce myself and offer a little context for the blog posts I'll be posting over the next three months.

My name is Emmett, and I'm the guinea pig for Clearwater's internship program. So far I'm delighted, challenged, and feeling right at home. I'm really grateful for the opportunity to join this community.

A quick synopsis of my background: I graduated from Fairhaven College of Interdisciplinary Studies in ‘14 with a concentration in American Cultural Studies and History, with an additional emphasis in queer and colonial theories and methodologies. Much of my work experience has centered in the fields of social work with homeless youth and adults with developmental disabilities. I'm drawn to opportunities where I can partner with someone else in their own development, which makes this internship a pretty great fit. I’m passionate about music as well, and have been playing piano, guitar, and singing since my early teens, with two years of coursework completed on music theory and performance at Willamette University in the 2000s.

As a learner, I’ve undergone some awesome changes in the past ten years, from competitive and high-stakes to relational and theory-informed. This internship is coming at the perfect time in my broader development as a learner and in my longer path in education. I’m in the information-gathering process of looking into masters programs and possibly PhD programs while I consider a future in teaching, researching, and writing.

Major thank-you to Clearwater students and staff for inviting me into this position and into relationship with you all. It’s already awesome. Here’s to the next eleven weeks!


Post No. 1 [1.9.2019] [No gods, no masters]

It’s December 2018, and I’m in the staff breakroom of a public high school in North Seattle, shoveling salad into my face while teachers offer me sage advice. It being my first day of shadowing here, I am simultaneously overdressed and underwhelming: big blazer, cheap slacks, Doc Martens, wild hair. I am asked repeatedly if I’m a student, and then when I say I’m shadowing high school teachers, I’m asked if I am “sure” about high school. 

One teacher’s voice becomes a chorus of voices telling me I ought to teach middle school; I’m apparently not supposed to teach youth who are taller than me, which seriously cuts into the available pool of students. I read too ambiguously, too ‘young’ (queer? tattooed? is it the piercings?). I’m also too friendly – “you’ve got to be a hardass with these kids, or else they won’t respect you,” one humanities teacher says, her delivery flat, the phrase dull from repetition. “They don’t want to be here; you’ve got to really make them focus.” 

I squirm a little at the implication that it’s the teacher’s job to ‘get’ a student to care, and if they can’t do that, they’ve got to cow that student into working. Marvelous. It also interests me to see boredom cast as a character flaw and as disrespectful toward an authority figure. (More on that later, I’m sure.) 

Perhaps I’m naïve, but I like to think my respect for my teachers didn’t hinge on their ability to control my attention or on how effectively they wielded their authority. I did have some hard-ass teachers, but they had skills that I wanted and were just as dedicated to my growth as they were critical of my work. If we’re being honest, I think my problem with teachers fell toward the other end of the scale; I venerated a few of them, seeking their approval and friendship over that of my peers. Either way, power differentials and authority are a heady aspect of teaching; it’s grim advice to be told I am at a disadvantage because I love learning and genuinely enjoy partnering with youth. 

I get to sit in on multiple class sessions that day, joining breakaway discussion groups in an ethnic studies course (in which I have my bachelor’s). I find a mix of bored students, engaged students, frustrated students, and sleeping students. I’ll admit that a part of me is disappointed; here we are, engaging with a topic I have immersed myself in for eight years whether in a classroom or not – something I value, conversations I love having – and maybe four of the twenty students are showing any interest. 

Is it a case of the perpetual Mondays? The learning environment itself? The social dynamics happening between students? Is it the teacher? The book we’re working from? What’s getting in the way of learning here?

These questions echo in the all-staff meeting. It’s afternoon, edging into evening, and the high school staff and faculty are quickly wilting. We go through the vice principal’s Power Point on how to liven up one’s lesson plans and “make learning fun.” He’s easily six feet tall, older, and regularly towering over teachers as he makes his rounds. We’re all weary. About half the faculty are having side-conversations or on their phones. I’m pretty sure the irony of the situation misses no one; however, no clean and quick answer presents itself to the problem of teachers finding themselves on the receiving end of the same dynamic they have with their students. No obvious work-around presents itself, and the VP’s assertion that inserting pop culture references, cartoons, and music into class sessions falls miserably flat. When he asks for a thumbs-up or thumbs-down on the presentation and its level of fun and usefulness, virtually everyone holds their hands horizontal. A room full of “meh.” 

This is immediately followed by a brief presentation on youth suicide prevention and the role of counseling staff. Not a single phone is out. All murmuring stops. A few staff are asking questions about trans youth data, demographic breakdowns of youth suicide attempts, family of origin problems, tools for building stronger relationships with students. It’s like a barometric shift has taken place. I privately wonder which will be remembered by the faculty: the information on entertaining students, or the information that’s necessary for supporting students’ mental health.

It’s January, 2019. I’m shoveling salad into my face in the kitchen area at Clearwater, two days into my three-month internship here. A student sits opposite me, absently transporting dumplings into his mouth while we stare down into my phone. Ten minutes earlier, he’d quizzed me on classical music, humming the opening bars of Mozart and Liszt, Haydn and Tchaikovsky while I guessed which was which. We settled on a shared interest in Tchaikovsky and are now knee-deep in a YouTube hole, watching history powerpoints on the Russian Revolution of 1918; he’s gathering information in relation to a piece he’s composing about said revolution. He sings the opening bars of his opera. I ask if he speaks Russian, and he says quietly, “Not yet.” I nod. “Me, neither.”

I have a meeting with my student mentor in five minutes and have to leave before the video finishes. We agree to touch base on it early next week; whether “it” means Russian history, language, or music composition, I’m not sure. It’ll depend on what he’s interested in at that point. I make a note in my notebook to bring my Tchaikovsky sheet music and my music theory workbook from home. I trot over to The House, a warm and somewhat noisy gathering space with kids on every couch, and dodge a rogue band of little ones running through. My mentor’s ready for me with questions about how I’m settling in and feedback on my stay thus far. 

Here’s how I’m settling in: I’m having a ball. I’m roughly fifty pages into my compositional notebook. It’s packed with scribbles on pedagogy, self-directed learning, circle work, and the myriad interests of students who want to collaborate with me. I’m in over my head, in an entirely refreshing and occasionally uncomfortable way. 

Initial reactions aside, I’m trying to disable my perceptive limitations and assumptions so as to absorb as much of the raw data of the environment as possible. So, the raw data:

In three days, I’ve gotten multiple school tours by people of multiple ages. I’ve sat in on two judiciary committee meetings where I saw students discussing their own and others’ behavior with a heartening level of compassion and clarity. I’ve joined in on a School Meeting, where students and staff discussed and voted on rules, norms, events, and elections. I’ve joined the Communist Club, and will need to read the first chapter of the Communist Manifesto by next week’s meeting, as well as gather materials on coloniality and (anti-)capitalism in Puerto Rico. I’ve been invited to join the Feminist Agenda Club, as well as the Movie Club; next week, we’re watching the 1938 classic “You Can’t Take It With You.” I’ve been asked to teach one student piano and to have music time with three others. I’ve sat in on a mandatory school meeting, where all students in attendance heard the case of three students’ altercation and collectively debated and decided on the best course of action to support all students involved and to maintain Clearwater’s rules on safety and respect. Of the 91 students at Clearwater, I believe I’ve met 43 and have collaboration plans with nine. I’m, in a word, stoked.

Three days of near-constant flux, near-constant conversations with students and staff. It’s simultaneously the busiest physical space I’ve learned in and the least pressurized. And, just as in the high school environment, I’ve seen students move between boredom, engagement, frustration, and enjoyment. 

Intern Blog, No Gods, No Masters

A note about boredom – 

I’ve actually seen and heard a lot about boredom so far this week; it seems that, like in the public school, boredom is an understood and predictable phenomenon in this learning space. Here, though, it doesn’t seem to be a negative obstacle, and certainly not a character flaw – no interventions are lodged at it, by staff or other students. A student sitting still isn’t pushed to “go do something” as though the goal of being at school is to keep busy for eight hours; because they aren’t assigned homework, the projects and clubs and creative pursuits they undertake are intrinsically motivated, and boredom seems to be a naturalized phase in the processes of self-motivation and critical engagement. 

There’s no ‘jazzing up the lesson plan’ with a cartoon reference or a ten-second clip of a hip hop song to get their attention; there aren’t lesson plans in the first place, because the students are teaching themselves and each other. It’s fascinating. It’s like everyday nonacademic life in that sense: all of us get bored, and all of us search to find those things that intrigue us and spur growth in us. Unlike everyday nonacademic life, there are resources aplenty here. There is always something to do, and someone to do it with, be they staff or student. 

Final Thoughts

Contrary to how this initial blog entry is set up, I won’t spend too much time comparing Clearwater to other schools. My intent is to keep this a Clearwater-specific vein of inquiry and to center the experiences and voices of students in my growing understanding of ‘how learning happens here.’ I’m hopeful that doing so will be more fruitful than a theory-forward breakdown of my paradigm shift. It might become a blog on boredom and learning, a long string of interviews with Clearwater students and alumni, or a timeline of the projects students have included me in. Likely all four. So far, one student wants to help edit, and another wants to take the photos, so I imagine the options are only going to increase as I grow in partnership with students.

Alongside the blog and as my research continues, I’ll be writing about education theory, alternative education models, Sudbury school praxis, and Clearwater’s background. Whether these posts are relegated to a separate vein or simply join the body of offline work for Clearwater’s use is yet to be seen.

It’s exciting. Feels a bit like free-fall: to step into a learning space with a goal that is subject to change, open-ended collaborative opportunities popping up in every direction. I wonder, for a student like me (with my fifty pages of rigorous notes) – without the carrot, without the stick, am I – are we - freer to learn? 

Thank you for reading. Until next week,